Now that I am doing better, Marc and I have been asked numerous times by family and friends the big fat question…
When are you guys going to have a baby??
You all know I am such an open book with my life because my hope and desire of mine has always been to comfort those who are hurting and have gone through similar and difficult situation like I have in the past. But for some reason, this has been a topic that I’ve kept a little more private. I have shared my heart and desires with close friends, some family members and the Lyme & Pregnancy support group, but other than that, I haven’t really spoken about it much.
I so wish Marc and I had an answer, but the honest truth is …. we have absolutely no idea!!!
And I know we don’t owe anyone an explanation of any sorts and I know at the end of the day it’s no ones business when or if we will have a child or not but ours. Since our situation is a little unusual compared to everyone else’s (this has been the theme of my life hahah), I felt it was worthy of sharing and explaining. I know other Lyme couples are going through the same issues and all the decision making when it comes to having Lyme Disease and wanting to become a parent, so I am hoping by me sharing my heart with you all that it would help at least one person know that they aren’t alone!
Ever since I can remember, my heart was always set on becoming a mother one day. I’ve always had that motherly instinct and the desire to comfort, nurture, and love. I day dreamed of what it would feel like to be a mother as I played with my 4 pretend baby dolls and reprimanding them for not listening to me, hmmmm I wonder why haha! When my cousins in Jordan had their babies, I was the first one to run to them and hold on to their babies for hours. I simply loved the feeling of pouring out all the love I had inside of me on this little life and I couldn’t wait to pour out all that love on my own babies one day!
I couldn’t wait …
Marc, too, has always had the same desires. Both he and I were on the same page when we got married in regards to wanting to have a family. We were actually wanting to try two years after we got married, but life threw us a curveball and I got sick a year into our marriage and starting a family was completely out of the question at that point. Looking back, I am so grateful that God’s timing for us to start a family at that time was a “no”. Marc and I really needed that time to grow individually into who God wanted us to be and to also grow as a couple, and part of that growth was overcoming the unbelievably hard challenges that were ahead of us together. It wasn’t easy … at all … but by God’s goodness and grace we made it.
So, now that I am doing much better, what’s holding us back, some of you may ask!
A lot, actually.
There’s enough evidence and research that has been conducted that shows Lyme and co-infections can truly be passed on to the baby from the womb. I follow a Lyme and Pregnancy support group on FB and I’ve read several posts on mother’s who’s newborns tested positive for Lyme, but then others who’s newborns were completely healthy and show no signs of infection whatsoever, so it truly is a 50/50 chance of transmission no matter if the mother chooses to treat or not and/or if mother is in remission or not. I’ve read posts on mother’s who were in remission, chose to treat and their babies still showed symptoms but other’s showed no symptoms. I’ve read posts posts on mother’s who were in remission, chose not to treat and had healthy babies but some didn’t. I’ve read other posts on mother’s were weren’t in remission, chose not to treat and had beautiful healthy babies but some had really sick babies. I’ve read posts on mother’s who weren’t in remission, chose to treat and had healthy babies but some had sick babies. As you can tell, there’s no way to truly know if the baby will be a 100% free of transmission regardless if treatments or no treatments were implemented during the pregnancy.
I am so grateful I know I have Lyme & Co’s and can take the necessary precautions if need be, because there are many women out there who have Lyme and don’t know they have Lyme and pass it unknowingly to their child and wonder why their child has all these random health issues when in fact it was lyme all along. I’ve heard horror stories of mother’s not knowing they had Lyme and finding out later in life that their entire family has Lyme, I am talking 5 children. The energy to care for one person with Lyme is absolutely exhausting on every level, not only that but the cost to treat one person with Lyme is outrageous, so I cannot imagine an entire family! Anyways, I am grateful I know I have Lyme now and not having to find out way later in life.
Even though I have the option to treat while pregnant, the unknowns and the possibility of transmission to the baby still really scares me, if I am being completely honest.
Another factor of what’s holding us back is me potentially relapsing during pregnancy and/or relapsing post pregnancy. Again, every woman is different, I’ve read posts on women who went into full remission from being pregnant and felt great their entire pregnancy and post pregnancy. But then I’ve read posts on women who didn’t go into remission and the pregnancy actually exacerbated their lyme symptoms and felt much worse post pregnancy. Some women went into remission just during pregnancy and relapsed post pregnancy. I mean it’s all over the place and it just depends on that woman’s body! I spent five years to get my health where it is at today, it would be so disheartening to see it go all down hill after working so hard to get it healthier.
There are other facets to this whole thing, also, that I won’t discuss since the topic is too controversial. But there’s just a lot to consider when having a baby with me having Lyme and MTHFR. Again, I am so incredibly grateful I know I have these issues rather than not know until years later!!
Part of us wonders if we should wait a while and enjoy doing fun married things, since we didn’t quite get to do that the last few years. For goodness sake we’ve never gone on a honeymoon or traveled alone together! We finally booked a getaway trip to FL at the end or March, just the two of us, and I cannot tell you how excited I am for it! We didn’t get to do much the last 7 years of our marriage, I have a good job now and for the first time in 7 years we can we have a little fun with the money we make rather than spend it all on treatments and medical bills.
But then another part of me always thinks, I am 32 this year and I have always wanted four children and if I want four children, time is kinda ticking, girlfriend! … but maybe it isn’t? society makes you feel like you’re really old if you don’t have children by the age of 25 haha!
There’s also adoption, Marc and I both have the heart for adoption and at some point we will adopt. We are just unsure if it is something the Lord wants us to do now or later. The thought of adopting makes my heart so incredibly giddy, it mirrors God’s love for us and I just cannot wait to give that love to a little one or little ones, I should say!
I have spent many hours in prayer asking and seeking God in all of this. I want to do what He wants me to do, not what I want to do or what I think would be best for me. I’ve realized that I can plan all I want in life but if it’s not the plan God has for me and/or if it’s not aligned with His timing, it ain’t going to happen! As Barclay writes, “God will always answer our prayers: but He will answer them in His way, and His way will be the way of perfect wisdom and perfect love.”
I am not sure if I will get a clear and direct answer from the Lord on what Marc and I should do. You know, sometimes I wonder if we spend too much of our time trying to hear from God rather than just step out in total faith and surrender and trust that He will guide us, He will pick us up when we fall, and that He will provide.
I asked myself this question while praying one day “would I regret not trying for a baby and not fully trusting in God who’s mighty and powerful in every way and not know what the outcome could have been? and I would. I would definitely regret it!
So there, I shared my entire heart and desires with you guys! I know some of you are going through the same exact thing and I just want you to know, whoever you are, you are not alone and I am praying for you, dear friend!!! <3